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05-11-01

Hi Everyone!  

Belated fUNNIES this week … my humble apologies … too much real work and Mothers' Day stuff to get 'em out on time … I hope these perk up your 'midweek'!!  Riddles, lists of dementedness, all sorts of goodies for you

See  you fRIDAY !

:)> Dr Bernie

Contents -

o        "Dear Abby"

o        The Cab Ride

o        Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!

o        The 9 Most Important Men In A Woman's Life

o        Boss Quotes

o        The Godfather

o        Scottish Humor

o        The Big Shake-Up

o        Pun de Pun

o        Where Is God????

o        Riddle

(from Randy Martin) - "Dear Abby"

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated  our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and  supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues.  He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time  he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and  begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in  town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed,  Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate.

(from Clark Kidd) - The Cab Ride

A well-dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked  to be taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in traffic, the  businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of  adventure?"

"What do you mean?" "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought  of flying there just bores me. Why not drive me there? The  meeting will last only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your  hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."

The driver said, "Sure, why not?!" and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and  finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while  the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they  took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the  businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they  took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter  read $4,625.80.

When they got back to the businessman's office in Manhattan,  the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll  get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5,050 so you'll  get a sizable tip for your service."

"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks." "One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to  drive me home, please. I'm extremely tired."

"Where do you live?" "Brooklyn."

"No way! I'd have to drive back over the Tri-Boro Bridge  without a passenger!

(from Glen Williams) - Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

 

(from Barbara Rosenberg) - The 9 Most Important Men In A Woman's Life
1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

(from Ken Williams) - Boss Quotes

Here are some actual boss quotes from Dilbert readers to remind you why you hate your job.

o        "It's not rocking science."

(from David via Oscar Bennett) - The Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him for ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the  Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.  The underling signs back: "I don't know what
you are talking about."  The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

(from Tom Sokolowski) - Scottish Humor

Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?  Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?  No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?  You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?  He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not    hit any of the ducks.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?  Shoot one.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?  You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?  They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?  Add vibrato.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?  Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?  Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?  Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?  Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. "Hey, Buddy! How late does the pipe band play?"  "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?  Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

(from Randy Martin) - The Big Shake-Up

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".

 

(from Dick Szeide) - Pun de Pun

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends.  They did everything together.  The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest
Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.  Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.  Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.  

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here.
Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.  Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."  Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam.  We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."  St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day.  How does that sound?"  This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell.  

When the doors opened he was met by Sam.  The hugged each other and they were off.  You see in Hell Sam owned a disco.  They spent the day there together and had a great time.  At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven.  He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven.  He looked at Larry and said "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"  Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings." St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"  

Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

(From Michele Lattman Via The Imberbabe) - Where Is God????

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.  So the Mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".  They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.  So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.  So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Riddle

TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER

 

 

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this lady's personalized license plate:

 3M TA3

 

Can you tell why?   See answer below.

 

FIGURED IT OUT YET ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HERE IS THE ANSWER.............

 

It spells EAT ME in someone's rear view mirror.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

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